Facing Fear

Have you ever had someone love you enough to ask you a really hard, personal question and have it change your life?  My brother-in-law, Duane, did. About a year ago he said, “I know you’d like to lose weight.  You should at least try the nutritional system we’re using. What are you afraid of?”

“Nothing!” I replied much too quickly.  My answer haunted me for several weeks. 

Before his annoying question, I’d made peace with being fat.  I’d accepted it would always be my truth.  I look like my heavy grandmother.  Obesity and PCOS was my genetic thorn in the flesh.  I’d proven that no amount of effort, dedication, or determination could beat genetics. Another weight loss attempt would be foolish, because I would end up adding to the additional 90 pounds I’d gained from trying to lose in the past. 

I had grown to accept that most would never understand the futility and would continue to see me as lazy and undisciplined when it came to weight. It took multiple failures, but I was finally fine with the acceptance because my husband, Pat, always loves and supports me no matter my size. Besides, I knew my sincere attempts in the past had proven these hurtful adjectives weren’t true.

Duane's question was unsettling. Was my “truth” really a lie?  Was my acceptance a mask for fear? As always, I took my struggle to my Savior.  When I asked Him to unmask any lies, the answer was painfully clear.  I was afraid of many things:

• Wasting money on an impossible dream.
• Killing myself to see a small success only to gain more weight.
• Facing the comments, criticism and disappointment another failure would bring.
• Becoming that annoying person (again) that is so obsessed with weight lose that’s all they talk about. 

I knew I wasn’t taking care of myself.  Work was requiring unreasonably long hours (14-16 hrs. days) and impossible deadlines. Pat would drag me from my office, we’d grab something to eat, and then I’d return to work. How in the midst of this stress could I possibly find the mental and emotional energy it takes to diet?  The answer was simple.  I couldn’t, but I also knew I had to do something to take care of myself.  I also knew that I could not allow fear to retain a place in my life.  Pat and I decided I would start the program. 

I called me sister to sign up, but I made her promise not to tell anyone that I was using the program. I faced my fears, but I did it without hope. I didn't measure or take “before” pictures because if I had no expectations for weight loss, there could be no failure. I only said yes because the program provides a way to easily get the super nutrition I knew I was lacking.  “Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?  Why pay for food that does you no good?”  Isaiah 55:3 (NLT)

I’ve continued with the nutrition program for close to a year. Health and energy are the reward. The weight loss is the benefit, but the greatest gain is the loss of fear.

My friend, I love you enough to ask. What are you afraid of?  Has past failures caused a lie to become your “truth?”  Have they made you feel isolated, misunderstood, or alone?  Please know that there is hope, and that I care.

“Search me, God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts.” Psalm 139:23

The End of Chapter One

As of June, 2017, I finally have a story of true weight loss success, but before I can begin, I need to write the end of Chapter One.  Here’s the post I should have shared five years ago.

“The Tip-it Man (Jan 12 post) fell off his post. The mean-girl voices were right.   I failed – again.  I’ll never win at losing.  I’m sorry.  I just can’t try again.” 

Here’s what quitting looked like.

I Failed

I’d shifted my focus to health instead of weight.  The fitness counselor compared the results of my first (Nov. 5 post) and second health test (March 6).  There was no improvement.  I choked out one word, “How?”  “I don’t know.  You’re working hard,” she answered as she reviewed my exercise log and handed me a Kleenex.  The next day I wrote the Color of Disappointment but was determined I wasn’t going to give up.

I Lost

They announced the finalists for the Chairman’s Challenge at work.  I wasn’t a finalist even though I was told I had inspired more people than any other participant. Why? My weight loss wasn’t even close to other employees’ results, and I had shown no health improvement.  Words weren’t the results that counted.  I’m embarrassed to admit I was angry.  I’d done it the “right way” - a restrictive, time-consuming, six-meals a day, healthy diet and long hours of exercise.  In my opinion, the winner cheated.  He’d used a “nutrition system” with a crazy name.  (More in a later blog!)  

I Worked

My boss went on medical leave for three months, and I was chosen to be her substitute.  That “honor” meant I kept all my responsibilities and added hers.  I was determined to stay on track, but slowly that hope waned.  I continued to get up insanely early but went to my desk instead of the gym. When the clock said water aerobics, I was drowning in work and couldn’t go.  Weekends became work days.  I don’t know when I stopped hoping I would get to the pool, but before long, pushing through exhaustion was my exercise. (Referenced May 12)

I Lied

Right before my boss returned, they permanently closed my gym and the pool.  The other water aerobics classes in town were during work hours.  So much for being an athlete (Feb. 2) and finding the exercise I would do for the rest of my life. (Dec. 14)

I Gained

Realistically, I couldn’t continue the restrictive diet and so many hours of exercising.  The 32 pounds I took six months to lose took less than half that time to find me - and they invited more fluffy friends to the party.  Once again, a temporary weight-loss success led to weight-gain.  I was discouraged, stressed, overworked, exhausted, and fatter than I’d ever been. I was done. 

This truthfully ends Chapter One.  I was and am done with dieting.

(Spoiler alert - since June of 2017, I've shed 65 pounds and 60.5" inches 

Stay tuned.  Chapter Two will be a very different story.)

In My Sister's Running Shoes

Imagine you were a competitive runner in high school, and 27 years later you still hold records.  You were invited to train with an Olympic coach who believed you would make the U.S. team.  It was discovered you had a heart condition, and you learned that dreams die hard.  You pushed past that disappointment, became an athletic trainer/physical therapist, and at age 40 still love to run, back pack, zip line, and do anything adventurous. In one second, your life changes again when you are in an accident.   You destroy your left knee, both bones close to the knee are crushed into dust, and you are told you will never work or walk again.  You weren’t surprised because you had already self-diagnosed at the scene of the accident and knew the extent of your damage. You suffer multiple complications from the accident including repetitive pain syndrome, blood clots, and inflammation throughout your body that causes additional health concerns.  For five years, you draw on strength from God, what you’d learned from long distance running, and the medical knowledge you gained from your chosen profession.  You reuse to quit or give up hope, and have fought through extreme pain.  Your athletic determination moves you from the couch, to a wheel chair, to a walker, to walking without assistance.  Walking again is a bitter-sweet victory, because you have been advised to walk as little as possible to save your mobility.  Every step grinds away more of what is left of your knee and leg bones. Doctors think they might be able to give you one knee replacement, which could last 15 years, but there is no guarantee they can attach a replacement.  There might not be enough bone to anchor it too, and a failed attempt means a certain end to walking.  Each step you choose to take is one less you might be able to take in the future so each step must be spent wisely.

You have just imagined life in my sister’s running shoes.  On May 5 of this year, my sister, Juleigh, celebrated the 5th anniversary of her accident.  She made the emotional decisions to celebrate by walking in the Not Your Average Joe’s 5K this past Saturday.  Joshua and I decided that there are some things in life that are too important to miss.  There was no doubt that we had to drive the 13 hours to surprise Juleigh and walk beside her. There were 100 reasons why we shouldn’t have.  Crazy deadlines for work, the price of gas, the Sunday morning commitments we couldn’t miss, having to turn right around and drive right back home late at night – the list could go on and on.  But there are some moments in life to precious, too profound, too miraculous to miss.  My parents, Joshua, and I showed up at the race wearing “Team Juleigh” t-shirts, and I am sure those around us wondered why there were so many tears.  There was no way they could understand what she felt when she heard the gun sound as she once again stood on a starting line or what I felt starting beside her in the race instead of being in my usual place, cheering on the sidelines.  Others might not have noticed how she automatically picked up the pace when the first runners lapped us, but we all knew that if life wasn’t hard they would be chasing her instead.  It was only right when she and Joshua, also a long distance runner, pulled away from me as they targeted and schemed to overtake each group of walkers that were just a little bit ahead.  As I followed behind, I stared at the back of Juleigh’s bright yellow shirt, and I cried.  I am the big sister who was there to see her very first step as an infant, and later could only pray she would have a first step again.  And there she was – once again where she belonged.  Better, stronger, faster, tougher, braver - life’s winner.  My second 5K was my sister's second first 5K.  A new kind of race that marked a milestone in life bumpy road.  A race that wasn't about the time at the finish line, but about staring the rest of the time we have to live in the face and saying we will fight and overcome.  For me it was a trail of tears to celebrate and give thanks for miracles, remembered past pain, enduring love, and a prayer for the road yet to be conquered.  Life is a race my sister will always win.  I am so proud to be a part of her team.

My new 5K Philosophy

Well – I did it!  I completed my first 5K and discovered my five new 5K Philosophies:

·        I am thrilled that so many friends joined me.  Many of them also finished their first 5K today.  It was fun to hear them say they decided to do it because I was.  I readily embrace my calling to be the person that makes people say “Well, if Larla can do it, I can!”  5K Philosophy 1: God has called us to be a Barnabas (encourager) even through our greatest weakness.

·        I wasn’t the last ones across the finish line, but I think that everyone behind me accidentally walked an extra loop.  5K Philosophy 2: We don’t all run the same race in life but we all eventually reach the same finish line.

·        My goal was 1 hour.  I finished in 1 hour and 27 seconds.   I could have been an over-achiever and beaten my goal (please appreciate the irony of that statement), but it would have meant leaving friends behind and not taking our picture at each mile sign.  5K Philosophy 3: Life’s race is too short to miss walking beside a friend and celebrating life’s mile markers.

·        I ran a few races in track in Jr. High but only because there was no one else available.  I always lost, but that was OK because no one ever expected me to win.  5K Philosophy 4: Finishing a race is winning.

·        Today I wasn’t nervous about finishing because Pat had already walked the path with me two weeks ago.  5K Philosophy 5.1: Fear runs once it’s faced.

·        The highlight of the day was seeing my Pat, my Joshua, McKenzie (Joshua’s girlfriend), and other friends cheering as I approached the finish line.  I wanted to slowed down to make the moment last, but instead I ran (in public for the first time since who knows when).  5K Philosophy 5.2: Ten seconds will always take 10 seconds to past by, but the love of friends and friends can propel you farther in those seconds then you've ever traveled before.

Happy Birthday Scar!

Today is a day of celebration. 

One year ago I traded 17 pounds of cancerous tumors for a large scar. Today I have lost an additional 32 pounds and have never been healthier.

One year ago I made myself take a few painful steps in the hospital hall way.  Today I registered for my first 5K.

One year ago I knew I couldn’t go much longer feeling as terrible and tired as I did.  Although there was fear, it was not of the surgeon’s knife.  It was that life would not be better on the other side of the pain I was about to face. 

Today I celebrate scars.  I celebrate the nail-scarred hands and feet of Jesus who bore our sins on the cross.  They are the reminder of how great His love is for us and of His promise to work all things - even pain - to the good of them that love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Today I rejoice in the large scar I see in the mirror from the surgery.  It is my personal reminder that although we would seldom choose physical or emotional pain, in time there is healing and joy.

Today is a day for thanksgiving and for tears of gratitude and praise.  It is a day to celebrate the beauty of scars.

Life is a DVD Player

My life has been like a DVD player the last few weeks.   There have been two very important events that caused me to hit the RECORD button so I can treasure them forever. First, my son, Daniel, got engaged to his girlfriend, Clare!  What a precious memory!  Daniel and Clare are looking at December 2014 for the wedding so I now have the perfect long-range goal to hit and maintain my final weight loss!  The other exciting news is that my niece is going to have a baby!  This little one will be the first great-grandbaby for my parents, and we are all so excited!  I must admit that I am determined that this first great-niece/nephew will never wonder if I’m his/her great-aunt because I am GREAT big.  It will obviously be because I am the greatest great-aunt ever! (Yes – I plan on doing my share of spoiling!  That means there had better be a lot more gone by this December for that “First Christmas” family photo.)

The main reasons I haven’t written for a while is because life has been on a crazy FAST FORWARD.  My sweetheart, Pat, has been sick, both boys had Spring Breaks, Joshua was in two fine arts competitions, work has been crazy, I took a business trip to TX, and there were some days I think I forgot to breathe!  (I wish I could have used the rewind button in TX.  I learned the hard way that when you are losing weight you should try on clothes as you are packing them. If you don’t, some items that were OK a couple weeks ago might be too big to wear!) 
Unfortunately, my weight loss has decided to hit the PAUSE button.  It’s almost like the minute the Chairman’s Challenge ended my body said – “OK – you made the goal, now leave me alone and let me rest for a second!”  It’s all good because I have been holding the same weight for the last few weeks.  This slight break has really helped emphasize to me that the life change really is about health.   I’m sure that the weight lost will start again soon, but 32 pounds lighter is not a bad place to pause!

 I’ve also had a chance to PLAY.  Last week I had a date with Joshua.  I taught him how to play racquetball just like I taught his dad so many years ago.  I was pretty amazed how much more competitive I was with him than when I play Pat.  Those first games will probably be the only time I can legitimately claim to have “schooled” him in any sport so I didn’t let that opportunity pass.

A quick glance at the calendar is warning me that the FAST FORWARD is going to continue.  There are trips to a state and a national music competition, college visits, Royal Family meetings, and oh yeah – my first 5K in just 20 days.  I must admit that I am tempted to hit the EJECT button on that idea, but I am going to reach for that POWER button instead!

Our Courting Story

So my honey took me courting this morning!  J  It has been 23 years since we had a date to play racquetball.  It was a blast.  I’ve always enjoyed playing racquetball because it’s a valid sport for me.  Unlike tennis, if I hit the ball really crazy, it can only travel so far before it hits a wall and bounces back somewhere close.  A tennis ball, on the other hand, will leave the court, sail over the fence, fly across a four lane road, and into a yard.  (Trust me – I know these things!) Racquetball allows me to keep playing a game that involves a racquet instead a game of fetch. 

I have always loved the intimate feeling of leaving the rest of the world behind and spending time together on the court.  The health club court has a tinted widow along the top of the back wall. Half way through our time we realized that the widow is in the wall of one of the hospital’s waiting rooms and there were several shadows watching us play.  (So much for privacy.)  I am sure we were quite entertaining. 

Here are the highlights of our date:

• Longest volley: 13 hits
• Approximate percentage of the balls I successfully returned: 50%
• Percentage of the hour I spent laughing at myself:  75%
• Most commonly used phrase we said about our own good hits:  “That was lucky!”
• Most commonly used excuse for not going after a ball: “I was afraid I was going to hit you.”
• How many times I hit myself with the racquet or the ball: 6
• Where I hit Pat with the ball: Dead center of his forehead.
• Where Pat has a really red mark that looks like a giant hickey: Dead center of his forehead.
• Pat’s quick, witty retort: “Next time I’ll remember to wear a hard hat with my safety glasses.”
• Most romantic thing said on our date: “I love you as much as I missed hitting that ball by.”

 Romance is alive and well!  I see many racquetball dates in our future.