Facing Fear

Have you ever had someone love you enough to ask you a really hard, personal question and have it change your life?  My brother-in-law, Duane, did. About a year ago he said, “I know you’d like to lose weight.  You should at least try the nutritional system we’re using. What are you afraid of?”

“Nothing!” I replied much too quickly.  My answer haunted me for several weeks. 

Before his annoying question, I’d made peace with being fat.  I’d accepted it would always be my truth.  I look like my heavy grandmother.  Obesity and PCOS was my genetic thorn in the flesh.  I’d proven that no amount of effort, dedication, or determination could beat genetics. Another weight loss attempt would be foolish, because I would end up adding to the additional 90 pounds I’d gained from trying to lose in the past. 

I had grown to accept that most would never understand the futility and would continue to see me as lazy and undisciplined when it came to weight. It took multiple failures, but I was finally fine with the acceptance because my husband, Pat, always loves and supports me no matter my size. Besides, I knew my sincere attempts in the past had proven these hurtful adjectives weren’t true.

Duane's question was unsettling. Was my “truth” really a lie?  Was my acceptance a mask for fear? As always, I took my struggle to my Savior.  When I asked Him to unmask any lies, the answer was painfully clear.  I was afraid of many things:

• Wasting money on an impossible dream.
• Killing myself to see a small success only to gain more weight.
• Facing the comments, criticism and disappointment another failure would bring.
• Becoming that annoying person (again) that is so obsessed with weight lose that’s all they talk about. 

I knew I wasn’t taking care of myself.  Work was requiring unreasonably long hours (14-16 hrs. days) and impossible deadlines. Pat would drag me from my office, we’d grab something to eat, and then I’d return to work. How in the midst of this stress could I possibly find the mental and emotional energy it takes to diet?  The answer was simple.  I couldn’t, but I also knew I had to do something to take care of myself.  I also knew that I could not allow fear to retain a place in my life.  Pat and I decided I would start the program. 

I called me sister to sign up, but I made her promise not to tell anyone that I was using the program. I faced my fears, but I did it without hope. I didn't measure or take “before” pictures because if I had no expectations for weight loss, there could be no failure. I only said yes because the program provides a way to easily get the super nutrition I knew I was lacking.  “Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?  Why pay for food that does you no good?”  Isaiah 55:3 (NLT)

I’ve continued with the nutrition program for close to a year. Health and energy are the reward. The weight loss is the benefit, but the greatest gain is the loss of fear.

My friend, I love you enough to ask. What are you afraid of?  Has past failures caused a lie to become your “truth?”  Have they made you feel isolated, misunderstood, or alone?  Please know that there is hope, and that I care.

“Search me, God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts.” Psalm 139:23