Day 1 - Last Time

Historical journal entry from 9.13.12

OK – so I can’t hide from this anymore.  Today is the day I have to make a stand and make a change in my health and weight.  Too many things today have led to this moment:

• I heard Jason Castro's song, This is Only a Mountain, and it made me cry.   I was thinking about being fat and the impossible dream of it changing the entire time I was listening. 
• I scored insanely high on the Adversity Quotient Scale at work.  As the guy is explaining what that means he says that I fall into the category of people who are healthiest and live the longest life because we know we have control over our life.  What a joke.  He just rubbed my face in the fact that I am great at handling adversity – which is true - as long as it isn’t weight loss!
• My Bible reading in the NLT smacked my face.  “Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?  Why pay for food that does you no good?  Isaiah 55:2 Great question!
• The Chairman’s Challenge at work was announced. There is a chance to win $5,000 for a charity if you set a health goal and reach it in the next six months. I might lack the motivation to do this for myself (even $5,000 for myself wouldn’t move me off my butt), but not for the possibility of $5,000 for our Royal Family Kids Camp!  I will literally do anything I can for those kids.  Butt move!
•  Vance, my friend, hit his Weight Watcher’s goal today!  So proud of him.  If he can, I can.  Out of excuses.
• I met someone for the first time this evening and realized that I am not as bad as I can get.  There is nothing that guarantees I will not continue to increase in size and lack of ability.  She is younger.  She is bigger.  She could barely walk up a few stairs.  This has got to stop!  My first target is going to be losing 10%.  It’s a start.

I told Pat (my hubby) I needed to make today the day I moved my mountain.  Of course I cried!  Of course he was supportive.  Of course we talked and still can’t figure out how our schedules will allow us to exercise together.  He made the brilliant suggestion that we do it together separately.   That is the new plan. (Eee gads!  I have a plan! Go away fear!)  I have decided that I am too weak to set a six month target.  I need to begin by setting a daily target.  Today I successfully met it by:

• Talked (sobbing) to Pat.
• Said for the last time “I can’t”
• Said for the last time “It is too hard”
• Said for the last time “This is the one area of my life where I always fail.”
•  Cried for the last time because I am hopeless and helpless – although I am sure there will be more tears.
• Not believing the lies.  I will expose them and replace them.  I will write a new story. 
• Not allowing overwhelming fear of failure to glue me to my seat.

Might not seem like a big start – but it is where I am.