Facing Fear

Have you ever had someone love you enough to ask you a really hard, personal question and have it change your life?  My brother-in-law, Duane, did. About a year ago he said, “I know you’d like to lose weight.  You should at least try the nutritional system we’re using. What are you afraid of?”

“Nothing!” I replied much too quickly.  My answer haunted me for several weeks. 

Before his annoying question, I’d made peace with being fat.  I’d accepted it would always be my truth.  I look like my heavy grandmother.  Obesity and PCOS was my genetic thorn in the flesh.  I’d proven that no amount of effort, dedication, or determination could beat genetics. Another weight loss attempt would be foolish, because I would end up adding to the additional 90 pounds I’d gained from trying to lose in the past. 

I had grown to accept that most would never understand the futility and would continue to see me as lazy and undisciplined when it came to weight. It took multiple failures, but I was finally fine with the acceptance because my husband, Pat, always loves and supports me no matter my size. Besides, I knew my sincere attempts in the past had proven these hurtful adjectives weren’t true.

Duane's question was unsettling. Was my “truth” really a lie?  Was my acceptance a mask for fear? As always, I took my struggle to my Savior.  When I asked Him to unmask any lies, the answer was painfully clear.  I was afraid of many things:

• Wasting money on an impossible dream.
• Killing myself to see a small success only to gain more weight.
• Facing the comments, criticism and disappointment another failure would bring.
• Becoming that annoying person (again) that is so obsessed with weight lose that’s all they talk about. 

I knew I wasn’t taking care of myself.  Work was requiring unreasonably long hours (14-16 hrs. days) and impossible deadlines. Pat would drag me from my office, we’d grab something to eat, and then I’d return to work. How in the midst of this stress could I possibly find the mental and emotional energy it takes to diet?  The answer was simple.  I couldn’t, but I also knew I had to do something to take care of myself.  I also knew that I could not allow fear to retain a place in my life.  Pat and I decided I would start the program. 

I called me sister to sign up, but I made her promise not to tell anyone that I was using the program. I faced my fears, but I did it without hope. I didn't measure or take “before” pictures because if I had no expectations for weight loss, there could be no failure. I only said yes because the program provides a way to easily get the super nutrition I knew I was lacking.  “Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?  Why pay for food that does you no good?”  Isaiah 55:3 (NLT)

I’ve continued with the nutrition program for close to a year. Health and energy are the reward. The weight loss is the benefit, but the greatest gain is the loss of fear.

My friend, I love you enough to ask. What are you afraid of?  Has past failures caused a lie to become your “truth?”  Have they made you feel isolated, misunderstood, or alone?  Please know that there is hope, and that I care.

“Search me, God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts.” Psalm 139:23

The End of Chapter One

As of June, 2017, I finally have a story of true weight loss success, but before I can begin, I need to write the end of Chapter One.  Here’s the post I should have shared five years ago.

“The Tip-it Man (Jan 12 post) fell off his post. The mean-girl voices were right.   I failed – again.  I’ll never win at losing.  I’m sorry.  I just can’t try again.” 

Here’s what quitting looked like.

I Failed

I’d shifted my focus to health instead of weight.  The fitness counselor compared the results of my first (Nov. 5 post) and second health test (March 6).  There was no improvement.  I choked out one word, “How?”  “I don’t know.  You’re working hard,” she answered as she reviewed my exercise log and handed me a Kleenex.  The next day I wrote the Color of Disappointment but was determined I wasn’t going to give up.

I Lost

They announced the finalists for the Chairman’s Challenge at work.  I wasn’t a finalist even though I was told I had inspired more people than any other participant. Why? My weight loss wasn’t even close to other employees’ results, and I had shown no health improvement.  Words weren’t the results that counted.  I’m embarrassed to admit I was angry.  I’d done it the “right way” - a restrictive, time-consuming, six-meals a day, healthy diet and long hours of exercise.  In my opinion, the winner cheated.  He’d used a “nutrition system” with a crazy name.  (More in a later blog!)  

I Worked

My boss went on medical leave for three months, and I was chosen to be her substitute.  That “honor” meant I kept all my responsibilities and added hers.  I was determined to stay on track, but slowly that hope waned.  I continued to get up insanely early but went to my desk instead of the gym. When the clock said water aerobics, I was drowning in work and couldn’t go.  Weekends became work days.  I don’t know when I stopped hoping I would get to the pool, but before long, pushing through exhaustion was my exercise. (Referenced May 12)

I Lied

Right before my boss returned, they permanently closed my gym and the pool.  The other water aerobics classes in town were during work hours.  So much for being an athlete (Feb. 2) and finding the exercise I would do for the rest of my life. (Dec. 14)

I Gained

Realistically, I couldn’t continue the restrictive diet and so many hours of exercising.  The 32 pounds I took six months to lose took less than half that time to find me - and they invited more fluffy friends to the party.  Once again, a temporary weight-loss success led to weight-gain.  I was discouraged, stressed, overworked, exhausted, and fatter than I’d ever been. I was done. 

This truthfully ends Chapter One.  I was and am done with dieting.

(Spoiler alert - since June of 2017, I've shed 65 pounds and 60.5" inches 

Stay tuned.  Chapter Two will be a very different story.)