Dieter's Holiday Blessing

May smaller portions make you fill full.

May your egg nog be made with egg whites.

May your favorite holiday sweets be made with low fat and zero calorie ingredients and still taste the same.

May you pick your favorite flavor from that huge box of chocolates on your very first attempt.

May the skinny know-it-all in your family who is sure they have a better way for you to lose weight or do your workout routine be too busy sharing wisdom with everyone else and not have time to tell you what you are doing wrong.

May the fork-to-mouth curl, the turkey-from-the-oven squat, and the run-to-hide-from-that-one-relative provide the same amount of calories burned as your normal exercise routine.

May the bowl games you care about be so exciting that your fist pumps, touch down signals, and jumping for joy burns enough calories to justify one more portion of your favorite holiday treat.

May fitting into the Santa suit this year require you to ask for a pillow and a belt to hold up the pants.

And may all the clothes you receive be too big and easy to return.

Most importantly, may your travels be safe, you time be spent with those you love the most, and may your heart be filled with the love, joy, and peace that comes with knowing Jesus, our Savior.

Shocking Confession

I promised I would be completely honest in my blog, so here goes….I am addicted to a chemical substance. This addiction is new, but I quickly became a hard core junkie. I can tell the effects it is having on me physically, and I have found a new group of friends that encourage my habit. I spend hard earned cash to support it, and the addiction is keeping me away from home several nights a week. Even worse, I am now a pusher. Just today I introduced my 16-year-old son to the mood and body altering effects of chlorine.

 Hi, My name is Larla, and I am a hard core, chlorine-smelling, water-proof card carrying Aquasize junkie. (Read the Nov. 4 Aquasize Top Ten blog). I now wear a pair of Sperry water shoes and have spent more money than I would have ever imagined on a chlorine resistant swimsuit and matching swim shorts. I was so desperate to get a new suit that I resorted to ordering one online. Obviously my thinking has been impaired!  I am anxiously waiting for a package with my own pair of aquagloves so I always have access to my size, and I am diligently looking for the perfect terry cloth robe. In case you need further proof, I have taken ownership of a place in the pool. It is the perfect depth where I am completely submerged other than my head to ensure every muscle feels the effects. I have found and wear old contacts so that I can (almost) see.

I am a frequent enough attender at the pool that I am greeted by other hard corers from four different classes, and the instructors comment when I’m not there. I took great delight in having Joshua ski, jack, spider, washing machine, and jog beside me tonight. I am sure I had a sly grin when he admitted that he was really feeling the workout, and I knew I had successfully dragged him underwater with me when he said he was going to have to buy new water shoes.  

In all seriousness, I used to laugh when I read that the secret to long-term health is to find a physical activity you enjoy. I didn't think one existed. I have never really liked to swim, but I know I will do water aerobics for the rest of my life. It is perfect for my buff, athletic son and also the elderly. One lady who is 80-something-years young told me that she had been coming for 17 years. All I could think was that when I am her age I will be able to tell newbies that I have been Aquasizing for 30 years. I have discovered that Aquasizers are the most accepting people on the planet. It doesn’t matter how uncoordinated, out of shape, or pale you are, you are welcome.  Everything you do (or don't successfully do) is hidden under the water, and we all readily laugh at our own mistakes and big splashes.  

My name is Larla, and I am a hard core, chlorine-smelling, Aquasize junkie. Join me.

Twilight Zone Diet

Cue Rod Serling

Start music (do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do)

You're traveling through another dimension -- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the Twilight Zone!"

11.24 We observe a woman who has just gotten off a plane from New York and drives six hours to come home.  She is warmly greeted at the door by her loving husband and youngest son who have foraged for themselves while she was gone.  She had to suspend her nutrition plan and exercise program during her trip, and she’s fearful of once again stepping on the scale.  She is sure her hard fought 9 pound weight loss before the trip is gone.  She heads for the refrigerator.  The only edible food is cold peperoni pizza.  (Cue scream)   What to do!  She is tired; she is starving; she drove past all the beckoning bright lights of the fast food restaurants on the way home to try to begin the resuscitation of her diet.  The primal need for sustenance is too much to bear.  She eats the pizza knowing she cannot avoid the hard, cold reality the scale will reveal the next morning.  (Fade set until only a bright light shines on the menacing scale waiting on the cold bathroom floor.  As the light fades, we see the scale smirk.)

11.25 (Cut to 5:30 the next morning) We watch the woman hesitantly step on the scale.  She is shocked.  What!  No weight gained in spite of two meals that contained a hamburger, one order of fries, and other questionable foods she had eaten because they were the best choices (that she could afford) while in NY!  Impossible!  She steps off the scale and steps back on.  The scale does not change.  She looks around and lets out a nervous laugh.  She has faithfully followed the nutrition plan and gone to the gym for months with marginal success.  A week of reckless eating and not going to the gym with no weight gain?  This is uncharted territory.  At first there is a sense of relief, but as she walks away, she pauses and throws a puzzle look back at the scale.  She grasps the first hint that perhaps she has stepped on a scale from another reality.

 11.26 – 12.1 (Cue sputtering sound) Fate hands the determined dieter yet another challenge.  We find the woman minus a car which prevents her from going to the grocery store or regaining her regular trips to the gym.   She tries to make the best food choices but is not following the nutrition/exercise plan.  She even imbibed in an enjoyable evening out with her handsome husband at Red Robins. (Cue YUM!)  In spite of her indiscretions, her weight plummets!  Each day she steps on the scale, and it shows the loss of another pound…or even two!  The macabre minimizing continues until she loses seven pounds in six days!   This defies all logic, and we find our women too suspicious to share the news about the weight loss.  She is anxious this is some cruel trick waiting to be exposed.

12.2 – 12.6 Our subject comes down with the sleepless, slimy, horrible, hacking, creepy, coughy crude. She avoids the gym because her friends there would not appreciate her spreading contagious microorganisms.  The mysterious weight loss holds.  Even more bizarre, it hasn’t wavered one ounce in the last five days. The mystery continues.

(Camera slowly pans from the woman on the scale to the weight showing on the scale.) One woman. Trying to find the cause and effect of what she eats and what the scale reveals. Three months of careful eating and dedicated exercise for a slight loss of nine pounds only to lose seven pounds in six days of unrestricted eating.  Has she discovered that her weight loss answer is not found in calories consumed or burned but instead somewhere beyond definition? Or has she simple found herself in another dimension known as the Diet Twilight Zone? (Weight showing on the scale winks.)

Artist Eyes

 When Juleigh and I were walking through Central Park, we discovered a gentleman drawing an amazing likeness of a young lady. We decided to have him do our portraits as a present for our mom and dad. Juleigh posed first, and I saw him transfer her eyes, then her nose, cheeks, mouth, and hair to the paper. It was fascinating watching him capture her so perfectly. It was beautiful!

 Soon it was my turn. As I sat in the chair, I discovered that I was not the best model. I knew from watching him draw Juleigh that he started with my eyes. Let’s get real. At 51 I have my share of not so fine lines and wrinkles. Under his intense gaze I knew he couldn’t help but see them. I wondered how dark he would have to make them in the sketch. The artist would stare and then draw, stare and draw, draw and stare. I wanted to run away. It was disconcerting to have someone look so closely. I wanted to ask him to eliminate the wrinkles, make my eyes the same size and not have the one higher than the other. While he was at it, he could straighten my crooked smile, and go ahead and make my face a bit thinner. I would gladly double his price if he didn’t add any whiskers (an unfortunate cruel reality of PCOS) if I’d missed some during my morning plucking routine. What made me think that memorializing my fat face now, before I lose more weight, was a good idea? Thanks to all the thoughts running through my mind, he had to ask me to smile when he was ready to draw my mouth.

 When he said he was finished, I hesitantly came to look at his finished work. I saw a crooked smile, mismatched eyes, frizzy hair – yep – it looked just like me. (Thank goodness no chin hair!) Later, as Juleigh and I looked closely at the drawing, it was amazing. Juleigh had on mascara. He drew her with eye lashes. I didn’t have on mascara so I didn’t have eyelashes because he couldn’t see them. I am sure this artist saw my face more clearly than I have ever really seen myself. He looked at each feature individually and put them together to make the whole. I look at myself and only see what I would like to change. But what if all those flaws were changed? The simple truth is that the picture would not look like me. I am thankful that I had the experience of sitting for my portrait. His close scrutiny was uncomfortable, but he helped me see myself through new eyes. It made me realize that when I am so critical of myself I am being critical of The Master Artist.  The balanced whole of imperfect pieces that make up me is "fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139) I’m  OK with that.  Let's lighten up a bit and not just focus on the imperfect. Let me encourage you to join me and celebrate your whole.

Disney Princess Reflection

About three weeks ago, I took a health quiz about exercise and eating habits. It was amazing to be able to honestly choose the best answers to every question on the quiz. Imagine me receiving a very high score! This journey has caused a change that I see as nothing short of a miracle in my perception towards exercise. I was honestly disappointed we did not have access to the gym in the NY hotel. I did not hesitate to walk all over Manhattan or to climb up and down subway stairs. Thursday I unexpectedly had out- of-town friends call and ask if we could meet for lunch because they were driving through Springfield. I didn’t have a car available, but without even thinking about it, I offered to walk 1.5 miles to meet them, and I did! The fear I would have felt facing these tasks is gone. I love Aquasize classes and the fitness center and, for the first time, know that I will exercise for the rest of my life. (This is HUGE for me! I have never been athletic so even when I was very young and slender anything that looked like a sport was bound to end in embarrassment.)

Yesterday as I was leaving the Aquasize pool I had two questions present themselves. First, who in the world thought it was a good idea to put a mirrored wall where people have to walk by in their bathing suits? (It is in a hospital so maybe the makers of anti-depressants?) And second, I have never had a favorite Disney Princess, but now I do. Mulan’s questions became mine. “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? When will my reflection show who I am inside?” I have mentally shifted my focus from what I weigh to being active and healthy. I have a new-found sense of freedom and control and blogging has helped me realize that I am the author of my health story - not my genetics, PCOS, or the opinions of others.  

It would be more inspirational to stop writing now but not honest. I still have a huge conflict. I know exactly what size I will wear when I reach my revised healthy goal weight based on my BMI - size 16. I know from past history, I will still be viewed by most as overweight. I will still have to shop in the plus size department, and I wonder if I will ever be pleased with my reflection. Will there be a time when I shop for clothes when tears will not roll down my face like they did in the dressing room in NY? In spite of my new health focus, my eyes still saw the reflection of a fat sack of potatoes wrapped in gold. I wish I believed that the amazing clothes that look so fantastic on my sister will someday look the same on me. I would be lying if I said I can imagine that day. I am thankful for the attitude God changed on the inside. Waiting, sometimes not so patiently, for a sign that the mirror’s reflection might someday be one I am pleased to see.

Time to go to the gym.

Big Apple Attitude

I spent the week of Thanksgiving in New York City with my sister, Juleigh, so we could see my niece, Richele, march in the Macy’s Day Parade. (Proud Aunt Moment – She was chosen to be in the Marcy’s All-Star Band because she is totally awesome!) It was wonderful having a week of sister time. We explored Time Square, Columbus Circle, Battery Park, the 9/11 Memorial, Central Park, 5th Avenue, and Broadway using public transportation and the power of our feet. We walked between 4.5 and 7.5 miles every day and climbed multiple sets of stairs to use the subway. This may sound like a normal vacation, but for the two of us, it was a miracle. Juleigh was severally injured in an accident several years ago. Besides injuring her knee, she developed additional health complications. Two years ago she could barely walk without assistance. Before my tumors were removed in April, I could not have gone. Walking around a block was exhausting, and climbing a set of stairs was like scaling a tall mountain. There was a sweet victory in being in NY together.

A poignant moment occurred when we were on our way to the airport to come home. We were standing at the 9/11 display in the Port of Authority terminal. A lady from New York began a conversation and shared her personal story from that day. She had a brother that worked in one of the towers. He was on vacation that day, but she didn’t know he wasn’t there. Her husband worked in the building next to the towers and saw both planes hit. He was one of the thousands that we saw on TV wandering dazed in the street. She shared what it was like for her to stand outside her home, covered with ash, fearing for her loved ones. She also explained that she still battles anxiety every time she goes into a crowded place like the terminal because there is an unshakable fear of another attack. We shared with her our memories of that day and our feeling of helplessness. We explained how desperately we wanted to help, and the pain that came with not being able to make a difference. As I stood crying with a lady I will never see again, she told us that people in NY now watch out for each other and are kinder and more caring. The impossibly difficult time has made them stronger.

It became apparent that going to New York was the perfect trip for the two of us. Just like New Yorkers, my sister and I have had our personal dark days when we were faced with fear and hopeless discouragement. In the midst of Juleigh’s trials, I sincerely wished I could take her injury. This week she told me she wished she could trade places with me for a while so that I could help me lose weight, but no matter how much we wish we could shield our loved ones, my sister still has her scar and a limp. I have my surgery scar and will always be larger than I would like to be. We all must face our own trials and take ownership of our scars. Past history will always be a part of who we are, but what counts is how we face our fear. Do we cower at home, or do we fight to be better in spite of the obstacles. I choose to take a big bite of New York’s Big Apple attitude and fight to overcome.

The Taming of the Chew

A special thanks to Mr. William Shakesphere for writing so masterfully that centuries later I can look to him for inspiration when faced with temptation.

Setting: It is several days after the celebration of Larla's good friend's 21st birthday.  Larla has not eaten any cheesecake, but several days have past and one slice remains

Narrator: But soft, what temptation though yonder refrigerator breaks? It is the cheesecake. Arise, fair cheesecake and replace the envious broccoli. Thou art far more tasty than she. (1) Larla’s tongue is but a stage and all the protein, fiber, and vegetables are merely players. They have their exits and their entrance.(2) This diet hath been long and unsuccessful. This act being seven pounds.(2) Now is the time of her discontent. (3)

Cheesecake: Then must I speak to her that lov'd me in the past not wisely but too well. (4) I will temptest her. Knock, knock.(5)

Larla: (Startled) Who’s there?(5)

Cheesecake: (To the narrator, with an evil grin) I’ th’ name of Belzebub . (5) (To Larla, sweetly) Cheesecake.

Larla: Et tu, Cheesecake(6) Sweets to the sweet, farewell. (7) No longer temptest thou me.

Cheesecake: Knock, knock. (5)

Larla: Who’s there?(5)

Cheesecake: In th' other devil's name?(5) Desired dessert!

Larla: Out, out of my refrigerator damn’d cheesecake!(5) Our revels now are ended. Leave not a slice behind. You are such stuff as dreams are made on, and my little life, you hath help rounded.(8) No more! Out I say!(5)

Narrator: The lady doth protest too much, me think. (7)

Cheesecake: One more, one more. Be thus when thou art dead, (whispers to narrator) and I will kill her and love her after. (To Larla) One more, that’s the last. So sweet was ne’er so fatal. I must weep. This sorrow’s heavenly. It strikes where you doth love. (4) How can you denyth me?

Larla: You cups of sugar, pounds of cheese, mixed and measured, meant to please. For a charm of powerful trouble. Like a hell-broth boiled and bubbled. (5) Vanilla, eggs, butter to make. You most wicked one- cheesecake.

Cheesecake: What’s in a name? That which you call a cheesecake by any other name would taste as sweet. (1) Though this be madness, yet there is method in't. (7) Call me broccoli and delight in me.

Larla: (To herself) Is this a fork I see before me? (5) To eat or not to eat, that is the question: Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer or to take a fork against this sea of trouble and by eating end it. The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to: ‘tis a consummation devoutly to be wish’d. (7) A bite, a bite! My kingdom for a bite! (3) (To cheesecake) I’ll not budge an inch.(9) There is something else. You to me are expressly “a pound of flesh.” (10) Get thee to a trash bin, why woulds’t thou be a breeder of temptation? (7)

Cheesecake: Tomorrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow creeps in this petty pace from meal to meal to the last feast of recorded time. And all your diets have shown you a fool. The way to dusty failure.  Out, out, brief candle! Diets are but a walking shadow, a poor idea that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. (5) You know you desireth me. Why then, can one desire too much of a good thing?(2)

Larla: Past failure – things without all remedy should be without regard’ what’s done, is done. (5) This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day.  Farewell, my blessed cheesecake. (7) I will be true! (Throws cheesecake in the trash) A good riddance. (11) A thousand times good night. (1) Not that I lov’d cheesecake less, but that I lov’d health more. (6)

Narrator: Sigh no more, lady, sigh no more. Cheesecake was a deceiver ever. One pound on the hips, and one on the arse. To one place constant never. Then sigh not so, but let it go, And be you blithe and a fighter. Converting all your sounds of woe into hey I’m lighter, lighter. (12)

 (1) Romeo and Juliet,  (2) As You Like It, (3) Richard the Third. (4) Othello, (5) Macbeth,
(6) Julius Ceasar, (7) Hamlet, (8) The Tempest, (9) The Taming of the Shrew, (10)The Merchant of Venice, (11)Tolius and Cressida, (12) Much Ado About Nothing

Legacy Not Lost

This week I was blessed to have my Mama and Daddy come to visit and share in some big events in my sons’ lives.  We watched the last parade we will ever see Daniel, a college senior, march in with his band.   It was a bittersweet moment as my heart swelled with pride to see him march past.  I followed the band for a short distance, wanting to capture the moment, to somehow hold it and make it last forever, but time, just like the band, marches on, and soon they were out of sight. 

Daniel and I have spent many hours together on band trips and at competitions. (Yes, I am that crazy mom in the stands who claps and screams for the band.)   I understand his love for marching because I experienced that same thrill when I was in high school.  What a moment it must have been for my father, who also marched in a band, to watch his baby watch her baby march for the last time. It made me look ahead and wonder if I will have the chance to someday see a grandchild march like he has.  Will that love be passed to the next generation?

This weekend we also saw Joshua play the lead role of the Cat in the Hat in his high school’s production of Suessical the Musical.  As we laughed at his antics on stage, I again saw a son following in a grandparent’s footsteps.  My mom was the lead in many plays during her high school years.  I can still hear her voice when she sang to me when I was young and can close my eyes and see her on stage as clearly as if I had been sitting in the audience.  I know that in a very real way she was up on that stage with Joshua.

This weekend I also took my parents to see my health club and shared with them the lifestyle changes I have made.  They both have been great role models of a healthy life style, but in the past discouragement made me abandon their example.  I realized this weekend that it is never too late to restore.  I am determined that my new approach to nutrition and fitness will honor them and the love that motivated their example.  Marching in a band - Starring in a musical….two events that were extremely significance because they were firmly rooted in legacy and love.  It is my new mission to add health and fitness to that list.  I plan on someday being that grandma who watches my broccoli-eating, active grandchildren march in a band or be in a play.  Tomorrow I work out to show tunes and Sousa!

The Power of Truth

If knowledge is power, then I just gained a personal nuclear power plant! (I would go green and say I gained a wind farm, but my big brother, Larry, would say that I already have enough hot air to power windmills.)

I just completed the Fitness Evaluation that is included with my Fitness Center membership. The evaluation included my Body Mass Index (BMI), cardiovascular health, strength, flexibility, and body composition. The Mean Girl voice said I was going to fail every evaluation. She was wrong.

The evaluator said that I scored the highest on one of the strength tests that she had ever measured. When she said that I had to do as many sit ups as I could in one minutes, I almost laughed. I doubted I could do one. My stomach hated me the next morning, but I did 20! She told me I scored better overall than most women my age and who weight much less than I do. When she looked at my Nautilus workout record, she was impressed and again commented on my strength.

The results that empowered me the most was my BMI. Although there is definitely plenty of fat to lose, I received electrifying news. My Lean Mass Body Index, which is how much my bones, muscles, organs, and connective tissues weigh, is 168 pounds. I was shocked! That’s right! I would weigh 168 pounds if I didn’t have one ounce of fat on my body. I am 5’10”. Based on my Lean BMI, my “Optimal” weight, where I will be the healthiest, is between 213 and 229 pounds. I did not type that wrong! Fuse blown! My whole adult life I have been chasing a number on a scale that will never be obtainable.

These fitness results have caused a nuclear reaction in my life. It has rewritten my perspective on past events and eradicate the validity of comments people have made. I am readjusting my long term goals and basing them on facts. I am strong. I am powerful. The voice of Total Truth has Mean Girl cowering in the corner and Power Women is taking charge. I will continue to grow stronger as I lift weights, do cardio, and water aerobics. I have lost seven pounds, but I have significantly less to lose than I ever dreamed. I am going to take ownership of all the results on my evaluation report and, when I do the reevaluation in five months, I am sure I will explode with joy at my progress. Bring on the sit ups!

Aquasize Top Ten List

Historic journal entry from 10.31

In an effort to burn more calories, I have added an Aquasize class, which I attended for the first time last night. I thought I would share my Top Ten List  of “Things I wish someone had told me before I started water aerobics.”

 10. Invest in contacts. Without them you’re blind, clueless, and in a swimsuit.  It is hard to see what the instructor is demonstrating on the pool deck, but, even worse, you can’t read signs until you are up close. (There is a big  difference between the men’s and women’s locker room!)
 9. Hard core Aquasizers wear water shoes that look like running shoes, webbed  gloves, and a terry cloth robe they take off right before they get in the pool just like a prize fighter disrobes before entering the ring.
8. Let hard core Aquasizers enter the pool first. They have an unmarked reserved spot. Otherwise, you will be asked to move.
7. The typical plus-size swim suit with a loose fitting, skirt-length top might work great for swimming but not for water jogging
6. Try to stay away from the place in the pool where it begins to become  deeper. It is quite the surprise and a rather clumsy, off-balanced moment when  one foot hits the pool bottom much lower than the other. Glad the instructor is a life guard!
5. You gain instant respect with your classmates if you use the white pool  noodle! When the instructor asks which color you want, it isn’t about color  preference. I said white because it was the color she had in her hand. I didn’t realize white ones offer the most resistance and are the hardest to work with until a nice lady in her 80's who uses a walker explained it. She was concerned
and offered me her blue noodle, the easiest.
4. Super pale skin, like mine, glows as brightly and looks as out of place in an  Aquasize class as it does on a beach. Won’t they be surprised when I show up looking like Caspar the Friendly Ghost even after Halloween is over?
3. When your instructor yells “Spider on the wall!” there is no need for alarm.  She expects you to act like a spider and climb up the pool wall. You also get to be a rocking horse, speed skater, toy soldier, cross country skier, and a washing machine.
2. You know you are making too big of a wave when it knocks your neighbor off her pool noodle.
1. The older they are, the less your classmates see the need to use a private  dressing stall. (Don't think about that one too long!)

If I had known how relaxing and fun this was, I would have started years ago. 480 calories gone. A lot of laughing (at myself), and no sweating! Score!

I Quit

Historical portions of journal entries from 10.25

Today is the day I would quit. Six weeks of dieting. The scale yesterday and this morning shows I have gained another two pounds. But today is not the day I quit. There is a major difference between now and before. I have been going to the gym, and I have measurable improvement from there to hang on to. (15 strong minutes on the Star Trac this morning for my warm up before weights and additional cardio - thank you!) Going farther with more resistance and burning more calories almost every day on the Octane elliptical. I would be lying if I didn’t say it was discouraging, but I read my Day 1 journal of the Chairman’s Challenge for inspiration – Man, I cried a lot that day. This is so much more than weight loss!

Historical journal entry from 9.13.12

OK – so I can’t hide from this anymore.  Today is the day I have to make a stand and make a change in my health and weight.  Too many things today have led to this moment:
 • I heard Jason Castro's song, This is Only a Mountain, and it made me cry.   I was thinking about being fat and the impossible dream of it changing the entire time I was listening. 
• I scored insanely high on the Adversity Quotient Scale at work.  As the guy is explaining what that means he says that I fall into the category of people who are healthiest and live the longest life because we know we have control over our life.  What a joke.  He just rubbed my face in the fact that I am great at handling adversity – which is true - as long as it isn’t weight loss!
 •My Bible reading in the NLT smacked my face.  “Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?  Why pay for food that does you no good?  Isaiah 55:2 Great question!
 •The Chairman’s Challenge at work was announced. There is a chance to win $5,000 for a charity if you set a health goal and reach it in the next six months. I might lack the motivation to do this for myself (even $5,000 for myself wouldn’t move me off my butt), but not for the possibility of $5,000 for our Royal Family Kids Camp!  I will literally do anything I can for those kids.  Butt move!
 • Vance, my friend, hit his Weight Watcher’s goal today!  So proud of him.  If he can, I can.  Out of excuses.
 •I met someone for the first time this evening and realized that I am not as bad as I can get.  There is nothing that guarantees I will not continue to increase in size and lack of ability.  She is younger.  She is bigger.  She could barely walk up a few stairs.  This has got to stop!  My first target is going to be losing 10%.  It’s a start.

I told Pat (my hubby) I needed to make today the day I moved my mountain.  Of course I cried!  Of course he was supportive.  Of course we talked and still can’t figure out how our schedules will allow us to exercise together.  He made the brilliant suggestion that we do it together separately.   That is the new plan. (Eee gads!  I have a plan! Go away fear!)  I have decided that I am too weak to set a six month target.  I need to begin by setting a daily target.  Today I successfully met it by:
 •Talked (sobbing) to Pat.
• Said for the last time “I can’t”
 •Said for the last time “It is too hard”
 •Said for the last time “This is the one area of my life where I always fail.”
 • Cried for the last time because I am hopeless and helpless – although I am sure there will be more tears.
 • Not believing the lies.  I will expose them and replace them.  I will write a new story.
 • Not allowing overwhelming fear of failure to glue me to my seat.

Might not seem like a big start – but it is where I am.
Today, Oct 25 (Day 43), I do not quit. This morning I went to the gym at 5:30 am and worked hard in spite of the weight gain. Today I stuck to the nutrition plan. Today I invited others to join the Move! Initiative and to get up from their desk and move five minute each hour.  Today no tears, no can’t, no too hard, no hopeless or helpless, no fail. Today I can and will continue to hope.

Roller Coaster Ride

Historical journal entry from 10.22

Today is the day I report my progress towards my Chairman’s Challenge goal. What a ride these five weeks have been. It would be wonderful to say I've had a steady downhill two pounds per week, but that isn’t what's happened. My weight loss/gain graph looks and feels like a roller coaster. The fear and angst as the scale clicked upwards to six pounds more than my starting weight. The slight drops down just to have the momentum propel me back up to a higher weight. I went to work out on my own this morning. I did my cardio on the Octane and upped the resistance. I burned more calories than I ever have before. It was tough, but it didn’t seem as hard as it has been. I was rewarded by having the roller coast scale move two pounds higher and wipe away the two pounds that had disappeared two days before. I will claim a total four pound weight lost towards my goal and hope it is a truthful report.

There were multiple questions to answer during the check in, but the one I had to think about the most was “What are your plans for the next 30 days to help you reach your goal?” I committed to schedule the two hour fitness evaluation that is available with my health club membership and to follow the recommendations from the results. I also committed to move at least one day per week of my cardio from the sitting down Octane to the standing up Star Trac and pay to have an Aquasize orientation consultation so I can add Aquasize classes to my routine.

Wow, did I put myself out there for my next steps. Facing the results from a fitness evaluation is terrifying. Mean Girl is screaming that I will fail the test in every category. Total Truth begs to add her voice to Hope’s. Perhaps more knowledge and Aquasize classes will add a curve to this roller coaster ride and help propel the numbers in the right direction. 

Star Trac

10/22 Historical blog on Chairman's Challenge AT&T Web site 
“I’m givin’ it all she’s got, Captain!” Oh, can I relate to Scotty from Star Trek when it comes to the Star Trac! In case you don’t know, Star Trac is this elliptical torture machine that I am sure some evil entity from another galaxy placed on this earth to torment out-of-shape humans. They have several  models, but my current nemesis makes you run, do stairs and move your arms back and forth with each step while trying not to fall over. The first time I tried was when my son and I were visiting different gyms to see which one we were  going to join. Mr. I’m-a-long-distance-runner child got on it and was soon humming along. (No literally – he was humming to the music video that was blaring in the gym.) I had trouble figuring out how to make the thing move!  When my uncoordinated limbs finally got the hang of it, I wished I hadn’t.  After about three minutes, I looked over at my son and gasped “My goal is five  minutes!” That might not sound like much to you, but for me it was a minute longer than I thought I could survive because I was piloting myself straight  into a black hole of exhaustion. The only reason I made it out alive was because my son was there saying “Come on Mama, you can do it, only 30 more seconds. You’re almost there! Come on push! Breathe!” In my pain and  breathless state, I flashed back 16 years. I heard the familiar voice of my husband saying, “Come on Honey. He’s almost here. You can do this. Breathe with me, breathe, OK darling, push, push!” I never regretted the effort it took  to bring my son (and now exercise coach) into the world. I couldn’t let him  down. It was worth the pain. I survived. I made it to five minutes. As I  literally stumbled from the Star Trac, I said I was going to go over to the exercise bike (so I could sit down!) I told him that he should go ahead and keep going on the Star Trac. I didn’t want my lack of ability to stop him. “No  mom,” he said. “I’ll go with you. We’re in this together.” Getting sweaty, sore, and exhausted created a Mama memory I will never forget; a priceless moment in this Journey. A month has past. I have been working out on the Octane 30 minutes a days, five days a week. It is still stepping and moving my arms, but it is sitting down. Friday I made myself get back on the Star Trac for the first time. I went for 15 minutes! There were times I was moving so slow the console lights blinked and asked if I needed life support, but I did it.

My son said it perfectly; we are all in this together. Everyone who reaches for a health goal is boldly going where they have never gone before. It doesn’t matter if the goal is to run a marathon, control diabetes, or to pilot the Star Trac for 15 minutes instead of five. Each one of us that takes control of our own helm and takes one more step than we would have before is making ourselves and our  families stronger. Next adventure – making this body look like a completely different life form by making the Troubling Tribble pounds go away! OK – enough Star Trek references for one day - Engage!

Check List

Summary of historical journal entries 9-29 through 10-19

• Join a Fitness Center - Check
• Shop a grocery list carefully prepared to make sure I have enough ounces of what I need to follow the nutrition plan for a week – Check
• Laugh at the strange looks I got when I put 20 heads of broccoli in my shopping cart – Check (7 days x 6 oz. of broccoli every day + broccoli to serve to family and guests at some meals = bunches of broccoli. Insider trading tip: Buy stock in broccoli! Sales are increasing.)
• Bake birthday brownies and not eat any – Check
• Go to the gym five days a week, several times on my own, without my exercise buddy – Check
•  Plan, fix and eat a meal for guests after church on a Sunday that they will like, fits my nutrition plan, and won’t be noticeable that I am eating differently than they are – Check
•  Increase time and resistance on the elliptical to 30 minutes, a varying resistance from two to ten, and a sprint one out of every five minutes Check!!! ( 5.75 miles and 275 calories in 33 minutes!)
• Feel measurably more flexible, stronger, less out of breathe, and have more stamina – Check
• Thank the Lord daily for my wonderful support network – Check
• Talk to a fitness Life Coach on the phone - Check
• Posted my first blog on work's Chairman's Challenge blog site - Check.  (If you had told me three weeks ago that I would share any of this with anyone other than my dear Patrick and closest family/friend, I would have said you were crazy!  Just one more "I cannot" that has changed to "I can.")
• Eat six meals a day – half check! (So much to eat - so little time to do it!)
• Shop for a sports bra so my bra hooks stop gouging skin out of my back when I exercise – Epic fail! (Stepping up on my soap box) Dear stores, Please do your part to encourage overweight women to exercise. Can you please carry sports bras for women that are larger? It looks like you are going to make me buy one online and pay double the amount of the ones you carry. (Stepping off of my soap box.)  
• See a difference in the numbers on the scale – I have the right to remain silent.
  
  

The Rabbit Hole, Blender and the Alarm Clock

 Selections from historical journal entries.
 9.24 Just got back from spending two nights in Branson to celebrate Pat’s birthday. What a glorious time away. I have decided that my reward for every 25 pounds I lose is going to be kidnapping my darling for a weekend! Can’t think of anything that will be more motivating! I bought new gym shoes and broke them in walking all over Branson. I will not be discouraged that the scale says that I have gained even more weight. I will not, I will not, I will not!  

I heard from the personal trainer, Joe, today. He told me that one of the reasons I might not be losing weight is if you cut too many calories with PCOS the body will work hard to store fat. I will be the last to die in a famine!!!!! He sent me a personalized diet plan for the first 30 days and a specific exercise/cardio plan! When I read the title, “Personalized Diet Plan for Larla Bogle”, I cried. Hope continues to show up. Eating six times a day will be an adjustment. I start tomorrow!

  9.26 I cannot believe how much I am supposed to eat with this nutrition plan! This fat lady has never eaten so much food in a day in her life! I was relieved when Joe said I could cut back on some of the amounts. This is so different. Mind boggling that eating more and more often and not too long before I go to bed might actually help me lose weight! I feel like Alice in Wonderland after she fell into the rabbit’s hole. This is very backwards. This plan is about eating enough in the right combinations instead of not eating. Mind blown!

My blender broke this morning. I am proud of myself. Because of Pat’s encouragement, I invested in myself and got a good one. Mean Girl voice was strangely quiet. If that doesn’t show a change in attitude I don’t know what does.

9.28 It happened. My internal alarm clock is officially reset to 5:30! Good news - I am waking up right before the alarm so Pat isn’t disturbed and going to work out is now a habit! Bad news – there is no snooze button or way to not wake up at 5:30 on the weekends. How I wish there was!

Week at Warp Speed - The Support Team

Selections from historical journal

 9/17/12 – Alarm was official set for 5:30 am for the first time and my fearless companion, Joshua, stumbled out of bed to go with me. That is love.

 9/18/12 - Took a huge step and told the first person outside my family that I was going to try to win the challenge for Royal Family. I submitted my official goal statement. My hand was literally trembling when I hit the submit button. No running away now – oh wait! I want to be able to run in the Royal Family 5K this Spring!  

I love cheese! Today I learned that one extra slice of cheese every day would cause me to gain 10 pounds in a year. Ouch! Eat cheese or lose 10 pounds….tough decision. Today I decided to leave cheese off of my sandwich – and I survived!   

9/19/12 – What an eventful day. I signed up for a free life coach through work. I told the Royal Family Executive Board about the challenge, and I visited the Mercy Fitness Center facilities. (I think Mercy might be it!) I also read a personal trainer’s blog and sent him a note. I asked him for an exercise routine and nutrition plan recommendation. Eee gads! The accountability is stacking up.  

I have gained more weight, but today I ran an obstacle course of fear and Mean girl was silent. Instead, a new voice I don’t recognize was faintly whispering, “Ask for help…Speak up…You are in control…There is hope.” That’s it! This new voice is Hope. I didn’t recognize her because I haven’t heard it for years.

9/20/12 – Left the cheese off my sandwich at lunch again. Could this become a new habit? I went to McKenzie’s volleyball game. (Joshua’s girlfriend) I always dreaded the stairs to get to the bleacher. I had a new attitude today, and I think they were easier! After the game, I faced my first restaurant challenge and successfully navigated it! Joshua once again was there to rescue me by helping me decide the best menu choice and then splitting the salad with me. I did not even take one bite of the shared chocolate cake and ice cream! Yes!

9/21/12 – Been to the gym every morning this week.  The personal trainer, Joe, responded with a confident replay that he can give me an appropriate nutrition plan for PCOS! Hope!

Cold Liver and Failure

Historical journal entry from 9-16-12

Introspective Question - Why can’t I throw away food?  It has to be the “sit-there-until-you-eat-it” mentality left over from childhood.  (A 40-year-old memory of cold liver just made me shiver.)  I chose not to eat any tater rounds with my dinner (thumbs up).   When I got full, I removed the rest of my bun and left some of my salad (thumbs up).  I was too full to finish my salad, but mindlessly ate a tater rounds as I cleared the table (thumbs down).  How much sense did that make?  Note to self – uneaten food needs to be thrown in the trash, not used to trash me.

The highpoint of the day is that Joshua and I went to Ozark Fitness!  (Thank you, Lord, for Joshua, my own personal fitness trainer!)  We walked on a tread mill, Joshua showed me how to do the circuit weight machines, and I tried the stair stepper and an elliptical machine.  Some of the weight machines felt good to do – Wow!  Who knew?   At the gym, the pull up machine was part of the circuit series.  I have never been able to do a pull up in my life.  At first I said no to even trying, but I decided that I was going to try knowing I would fail, and I did fail. Today, 9.16.12, I am too heavy and too weak to pull up my weight.  One day I will be able to do a pull up, and it will be a huge victory.  Today victory was not being afraid to fail.

First Steps to Success

Historical journal entry from 9.15.12

It’s pouring rain outside.  We have had a terrible drought all summer, and the day I set aside to make plans and decision about how to tackle my weight it is the kind of day that makes you want to crawl back in bed.  First victory – I took my keys and went any way!  I walked all over a strip mall (yes walked) to buy a new scale ($25), a tape measure ($3) and a new journal with Jeremiah 29:11 on it ($6).  The verse is a Royal Family theme verse so will help me stay focused. “I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” I need hope!  Mean me is telling me not to be so impressed with myself just because I left the house in the rain, walked a little bit, and wasted $32.  I had Joshua set up the Wii and worked out on it. It was the first time in 834 day.  (Take that mean me!) 

I stepped on the new scale, measured myself, and wrote it all down.  (Can’t believe I did that!  What if someone sees it?)  I hate the new scale already.  It is weighing me NINE pounds heavier than the old one did.  Joshua weighs the same on both.  My first goal just moved nine pounds in the wrong direction.  (I knew that all I had to do was think about dieting, and I gained weight.  Here’s proof!)

The last big victory of the day was that Joshua and I went to visit Ozark Fitness to see how much they cost and what they had to offer.  Yes – I went to the place I was most certain I wouldn’t choose in the end, but I went somewhere!  Surprise! The world did not end because I walked into a gym.  The tour felt like a Time Share presentation set to loud, fast-paced, music.  Lots of plans, lots of contract terms, lots of hype, and we both walked out not really sure what it really cost.  I had to laugh when the sales man recommended that I attend the Boot Camp class because it was the most strenuous, and I would burn the most calories. Really guy!  Can’t you deviate from you script enough to personalize your fitness class recommendation?  Does this overweight, 51 year old women look like I could survive two seconds of Boot Camp?  The tour ended with the typical sales tactic of “We will waive this fee, and this fee, but only if you sign up right now.”  When we said no, we got the “I’m not supposed to do this, but I am going to give you a free, week-long pass so you can check us out.”  Yeah right you're not suppose to do that.  Your Web site offers a free two week pass!   I was proud we went, but now I have to choose if I make use of that free pass. Scary

Pat and I had a long talk tonight about how big a struggle it is for me to tell people that I am working on losing weight.  I can’t explain why, but I have a really hard time when people compliment me on how I look.  I hate the extra attention that comes when I’ve lost weight.  I feel safer being fat; I can hide in plain sight.  When you are fat, you don’t have to worry about people telling you that you look nice.  It just doesn’t happen.  Compliment me on my skills, intelligence, morals, creativity, or kindness – no problem.  Ask me to stand in front of a crowd and talk – any time.  Have someone notice or compliment me when I lose weight – panic.  Going to have to work on this – or buy a T-shirt that says “Please don’t mention that I am starting to morph from a marshmallow into the stick.”  :)

It’s been an exhausting day.

My History/Chairman's Challenge

This blog was posted Oct 19 on our work Chairman's Challenge blog site. I know this will be out of order as I try to catch you up on my journey, but it explains the interesting challenge I face when trying to lose weight. It was written about one month into the challenge.
"Life isn't always fair." "You can't judge a book by its cover." These may be strange quotes when discussing weight loss, but they accurately sum up weight issues for many women with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), including me. The way my doctor describes PCOS is the bearded-fat-lady-in-the-side-shows' genetic defect. There is no cure. You just have to wisely live with the symptoms. After recovering from a surgery that removed approximately 15 pounds of tumors, I started a diet and an exercise program - I gained 9 pounds. My wonderful supportive husband and I laugh that I am the only women we know that goes on a diet and has to buy new clothes - in a bigger size! Such is life with PCOS. I have visited three nutritionists in the past. The first one was baffled why I had to go down to 800 calories and less than 20 grams of fat per day before I lost any weight. I was also exercising over an hour every day. The second one looked at my food journal, and told me I was lying to her. She said if I really exercised and ate what I had written down I would not be grotesquely obese. She told me not to come back until I was willing to tell her the truth. Sadly, this is a typical response. It doesn't matter how many times I try to explain, I repeatedly hear, "If you would just "(insert some weight loss advice I have already attempt multiple times)."

The Chairman's Challenge came at a perfect time. I was honestly ready to give up again, but when I heard that I could win $5,000 for SW Missouri Royal Family, I knew I had to brush off all the past failures and the current lack of progress and tackle my issue head on. The abused children I work with have to deal with their hurts and emotional pain every day. They are my passion, and nothing could motivate me more than the opportunity to raise funds to help them. They bravely face their demons; I can face my fears too. 

Since the challenge I have joined a gym and get up at 5:30 am five mornings a week to work out. (YAWN!) I have taken advantage of a Life Coach at work, and I am working with a remote personal trainer. (Thanks Joe!) We are trying a high protein and fiber, low carb, six mini-meals a day eating plan. I wish I could tell you that I have seen dramatic weight loss. I haven't. At this rate, I will not hit my 10% weight loss goal, but I am stronger and have greater stamina. I know that I am doing everything I possibly can to improve my health. My effort and determination cannot be judged by my fluffy cover or the numbers in the book where I am journaling my progress. I am constantly telling the "mean girl voices" to shut up. My victory might not look like others, but I will win my battle. My wonderful son and husband are rolling out of bed to go with me to the gym to support and encourage me. Life isn’t fair, but life is good. I just wish I could change my Chairman Challenge goal to eat more broccoli; that’s a goal I am achieving!

Day 1 - Last Time

Historical journal entry from 9.13.12

OK – so I can’t hide from this anymore.  Today is the day I have to make a stand and make a change in my health and weight.  Too many things today have led to this moment:

• I heard Jason Castro's song, This is Only a Mountain, and it made me cry.   I was thinking about being fat and the impossible dream of it changing the entire time I was listening. 
• I scored insanely high on the Adversity Quotient Scale at work.  As the guy is explaining what that means he says that I fall into the category of people who are healthiest and live the longest life because we know we have control over our life.  What a joke.  He just rubbed my face in the fact that I am great at handling adversity – which is true - as long as it isn’t weight loss!
• My Bible reading in the NLT smacked my face.  “Why spend your money on food that does not give you strength?  Why pay for food that does you no good?  Isaiah 55:2 Great question!
• The Chairman’s Challenge at work was announced. There is a chance to win $5,000 for a charity if you set a health goal and reach it in the next six months. I might lack the motivation to do this for myself (even $5,000 for myself wouldn’t move me off my butt), but not for the possibility of $5,000 for our Royal Family Kids Camp!  I will literally do anything I can for those kids.  Butt move!
•  Vance, my friend, hit his Weight Watcher’s goal today!  So proud of him.  If he can, I can.  Out of excuses.
• I met someone for the first time this evening and realized that I am not as bad as I can get.  There is nothing that guarantees I will not continue to increase in size and lack of ability.  She is younger.  She is bigger.  She could barely walk up a few stairs.  This has got to stop!  My first target is going to be losing 10%.  It’s a start.

I told Pat (my hubby) I needed to make today the day I moved my mountain.  Of course I cried!  Of course he was supportive.  Of course we talked and still can’t figure out how our schedules will allow us to exercise together.  He made the brilliant suggestion that we do it together separately.   That is the new plan. (Eee gads!  I have a plan! Go away fear!)  I have decided that I am too weak to set a six month target.  I need to begin by setting a daily target.  Today I successfully met it by:

• Talked (sobbing) to Pat.
• Said for the last time “I can’t”
• Said for the last time “It is too hard”
• Said for the last time “This is the one area of my life where I always fail.”
•  Cried for the last time because I am hopeless and helpless – although I am sure there will be more tears.
• Not believing the lies.  I will expose them and replace them.  I will write a new story. 
• Not allowing overwhelming fear of failure to glue me to my seat.

Might not seem like a big start – but it is where I am.

Sharing for the Kids

On Sept. 13, I started on a journey to improve my health.  I joined a health challenge at work and hope to be chosen for a $5,000 donation to my non-profit of choice.  My love for our Royal Family Kids made this chance impossible to pass up.  We really need those funds so that more abused kids can come to camp in 2013.  One criteria for choosing the winners will be how many other people I  influence to make a healthy choice.  Please follow this blog, ask your friends to follow it, and post your health goals so we can support and encourage each other.  You can help me win for the kids!

I have to confess that it was terrifying committing to a weight loss goal, but it was even more terrifying to think about sharing the commitment with others! (If you don't understand, you must be slender and have never failed at achieving a health goal. Count your blessings!)  I have been keeping a journal but just started sharing thoughts about my weight loss journey at work on a restricted site.  I had several people ask me to make my posts available to others so, thanks to their prompting, I have started this blog.  My first few posts will be from my journal so you will understand the journey up to this point.  I promise to be honest, and I hope you find a few laughs and a bit of inspiration along the way.