First Steps to Success

Historical journal entry from 9.15.12

It’s pouring rain outside.  We have had a terrible drought all summer, and the day I set aside to make plans and decision about how to tackle my weight it is the kind of day that makes you want to crawl back in bed.  First victory – I took my keys and went any way!  I walked all over a strip mall (yes walked) to buy a new scale ($25), a tape measure ($3) and a new journal with Jeremiah 29:11 on it ($6).  The verse is a Royal Family theme verse so will help me stay focused. “I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” I need hope!  Mean me is telling me not to be so impressed with myself just because I left the house in the rain, walked a little bit, and wasted $32.  I had Joshua set up the Wii and worked out on it. It was the first time in 834 day.  (Take that mean me!) 

I stepped on the new scale, measured myself, and wrote it all down.  (Can’t believe I did that!  What if someone sees it?)  I hate the new scale already.  It is weighing me NINE pounds heavier than the old one did.  Joshua weighs the same on both.  My first goal just moved nine pounds in the wrong direction.  (I knew that all I had to do was think about dieting, and I gained weight.  Here’s proof!)

The last big victory of the day was that Joshua and I went to visit Ozark Fitness to see how much they cost and what they had to offer.  Yes – I went to the place I was most certain I wouldn’t choose in the end, but I went somewhere!  Surprise! The world did not end because I walked into a gym.  The tour felt like a Time Share presentation set to loud, fast-paced, music.  Lots of plans, lots of contract terms, lots of hype, and we both walked out not really sure what it really cost.  I had to laugh when the sales man recommended that I attend the Boot Camp class because it was the most strenuous, and I would burn the most calories. Really guy!  Can’t you deviate from you script enough to personalize your fitness class recommendation?  Does this overweight, 51 year old women look like I could survive two seconds of Boot Camp?  The tour ended with the typical sales tactic of “We will waive this fee, and this fee, but only if you sign up right now.”  When we said no, we got the “I’m not supposed to do this, but I am going to give you a free, week-long pass so you can check us out.”  Yeah right you're not suppose to do that.  Your Web site offers a free two week pass!   I was proud we went, but now I have to choose if I make use of that free pass. Scary

Pat and I had a long talk tonight about how big a struggle it is for me to tell people that I am working on losing weight.  I can’t explain why, but I have a really hard time when people compliment me on how I look.  I hate the extra attention that comes when I’ve lost weight.  I feel safer being fat; I can hide in plain sight.  When you are fat, you don’t have to worry about people telling you that you look nice.  It just doesn’t happen.  Compliment me on my skills, intelligence, morals, creativity, or kindness – no problem.  Ask me to stand in front of a crowd and talk – any time.  Have someone notice or compliment me when I lose weight – panic.  Going to have to work on this – or buy a T-shirt that says “Please don’t mention that I am starting to morph from a marshmallow into the stick.”  :)

It’s been an exhausting day.