The Taming of the Chew

A special thanks to Mr. William Shakesphere for writing so masterfully that centuries later I can look to him for inspiration when faced with temptation.

Setting: It is several days after the celebration of Larla's good friend's 21st birthday.  Larla has not eaten any cheesecake, but several days have past and one slice remains

Narrator: But soft, what temptation though yonder refrigerator breaks? It is the cheesecake. Arise, fair cheesecake and replace the envious broccoli. Thou art far more tasty than she. (1) Larla’s tongue is but a stage and all the protein, fiber, and vegetables are merely players. They have their exits and their entrance.(2) This diet hath been long and unsuccessful. This act being seven pounds.(2) Now is the time of her discontent. (3)

Cheesecake: Then must I speak to her that lov'd me in the past not wisely but too well. (4) I will temptest her. Knock, knock.(5)

Larla: (Startled) Who’s there?(5)

Cheesecake: (To the narrator, with an evil grin) I’ th’ name of Belzebub . (5) (To Larla, sweetly) Cheesecake.

Larla: Et tu, Cheesecake(6) Sweets to the sweet, farewell. (7) No longer temptest thou me.

Cheesecake: Knock, knock. (5)

Larla: Who’s there?(5)

Cheesecake: In th' other devil's name?(5) Desired dessert!

Larla: Out, out of my refrigerator damn’d cheesecake!(5) Our revels now are ended. Leave not a slice behind. You are such stuff as dreams are made on, and my little life, you hath help rounded.(8) No more! Out I say!(5)

Narrator: The lady doth protest too much, me think. (7)

Cheesecake: One more, one more. Be thus when thou art dead, (whispers to narrator) and I will kill her and love her after. (To Larla) One more, that’s the last. So sweet was ne’er so fatal. I must weep. This sorrow’s heavenly. It strikes where you doth love. (4) How can you denyth me?

Larla: You cups of sugar, pounds of cheese, mixed and measured, meant to please. For a charm of powerful trouble. Like a hell-broth boiled and bubbled. (5) Vanilla, eggs, butter to make. You most wicked one- cheesecake.

Cheesecake: What’s in a name? That which you call a cheesecake by any other name would taste as sweet. (1) Though this be madness, yet there is method in't. (7) Call me broccoli and delight in me.

Larla: (To herself) Is this a fork I see before me? (5) To eat or not to eat, that is the question: Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer or to take a fork against this sea of trouble and by eating end it. The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to: ‘tis a consummation devoutly to be wish’d. (7) A bite, a bite! My kingdom for a bite! (3) (To cheesecake) I’ll not budge an inch.(9) There is something else. You to me are expressly “a pound of flesh.” (10) Get thee to a trash bin, why woulds’t thou be a breeder of temptation? (7)

Cheesecake: Tomorrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow creeps in this petty pace from meal to meal to the last feast of recorded time. And all your diets have shown you a fool. The way to dusty failure.  Out, out, brief candle! Diets are but a walking shadow, a poor idea that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. (5) You know you desireth me. Why then, can one desire too much of a good thing?(2)

Larla: Past failure – things without all remedy should be without regard’ what’s done, is done. (5) This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day.  Farewell, my blessed cheesecake. (7) I will be true! (Throws cheesecake in the trash) A good riddance. (11) A thousand times good night. (1) Not that I lov’d cheesecake less, but that I lov’d health more. (6)

Narrator: Sigh no more, lady, sigh no more. Cheesecake was a deceiver ever. One pound on the hips, and one on the arse. To one place constant never. Then sigh not so, but let it go, And be you blithe and a fighter. Converting all your sounds of woe into hey I’m lighter, lighter. (12)

 (1) Romeo and Juliet,  (2) As You Like It, (3) Richard the Third. (4) Othello, (5) Macbeth,
(6) Julius Ceasar, (7) Hamlet, (8) The Tempest, (9) The Taming of the Shrew, (10)The Merchant of Venice, (11)Tolius and Cressida, (12) Much Ado About Nothing